I’m sure that anyone who is middle aged already knows this, but I’m finding myself doing so much more internal exploration as I age. In my younger years, I learned about myself through external exploration—lots of socializing, lots of experimental writing, lots of travel! These days, I don’t need much external stimulation, but I’m finding that I’m turning inward and reconnecting with all the things that I had given up.

Now that I’m middle-aged, I understand the mid-life crisis. You have more responsibility in middle age than you’ve ever had in your life. Unless you are a powerful and brave being who was able to buck the system, you are trudging along on the hamster wheel so you can cover all your responsibilities and give all your dependents (which may likely include both parents and children) what they need. Whew.

I feel like I’ve moved over a hump or something because I’m starting to be able to do things that I couldn’t do before, like relax! Like read! Like have unscheduled time without worrying that I’m falling behind!

Humans are really strange creatures. We can be in crisis and not know it. I’m realizing that I’m just coming out of over a decade of survival mode. The good news is that I made it. My child is alive and striving. She’s a young adult so I don’t have to expend energy wondering how she is going to survive. The quarantine got me lots of reflection time, art time, puzzle time, exercise time and all kinds of restoration.

I know now how to execute. How to push and create. But the question is also, can you thrive? And I don’t know how much thriving I was doing. Personal thriving. Personal nurturing. Personal watering. Short of the external behaviors of dining out with friends and dancing with strangers. Last year, I think I was coping. This year, I feel as if I am nurturing and gaining delight from feeding myself with rest, relaxation, reading and recreation. If that doesn’t sound like an achievement to you, you probably aren’t middle aged yet, lol.

Wishing you all restoration and reclamation. Our spirits need it!