There are so many risks in chasing a dream. I turned in the fourth draft of my novel in December of last year. By the time I had done so, I was COMPLETELY depleted. I was not depleted from writing alone—it was the combination of the writing and the day job and doing my part to support my aging parents. What a whirlwind.

I find myself completely withdrawing into myself, growing quiet, just going into energy saving mode whenever I stumble upon a patch of downtime. I’ve pulled off lots of wonderful achievements in the past year—past few years. But I did it with the fuel of my free time. This is truly no way to live.

I was finalizing my tax preparations a few weeks ago and found I couldn’t focus, so I went to my local coffee shop—where I had written the last draft of my book. When I sat down and opened my computer, I had a trauma response. I felt shaky and weepy. The effort that it had taken to finish that draft suddenly roared to life and sat heavy on my shoulders.

I don’t want my writing life to be a monster or a burden. I don’t want to have to squeeze it into the dark hours after the work day is done. God willing, I won’t have to much longer. For now, my  need for rest is battling with the need to flesh out the next project. I’m praying that by the time my next round of edits come in, the next book outline is due, the next push is upon me, I will have recovered enough to carry on.

This is the dark side of creating, of doing it all. I’m just back from a week in Mexico where I got to unplug and restore. My withdrawing has served me well. After months of relative silence, I feel tiny little surges of energy sprouting up. I’m not awaiting my edits with dread, instead I feel this small hopeful feeling that I’m ready for my next draft, my next string of late nights of afterwork writing, that I have rebuilt my reserves up enough to return to burning the midnight oil… for a few more months at least.

I suppose no matter how strong we become, we can still lose ourselves. And no matter how depleted we are, we can always find ourselves again. Artists create under all kinds of conditions, but it is no one’s dream to create in a state of duress. Therefore, I am wishing you all lots of rest and restoration. And as spring blossoms around us, I pray that I am wandering back to myself, refreshed and renewed, ready to start again.

Onward!

—K.